Reprobate Sinner

The phrase in the English language for a hardened criminal, someone who could hold a gun in a human mouth n pull the trigger like he (and here I try not to be correct with a "she" because i believe no woman would ever willingly commit the act of killing unless there were a strong emotional motivation behind it) were shooting at a block of wood. The definition would intrinsically exclude psychopaths, because they kill for pleasure or maybe redemption, relishing the pain or the blood or whatever it is they wish to gain from the murder. So, the question of being "hardened" doesnt arise because for that you would need to have been soft about it at some point, and well I dont say psychopaths arent soft, most of them are of a more delicate temperament than you or me, except their idea of crime or sin is different..I won't say warped because we are nobody to decide what is straight. (Logic in itself is never straight, though we often claim it to be so, because it essentially thrives on external influences, some prior knowledge and more than one preexisting fact. One sided logic based on a single fact cannot exist. Because then that wouldnt be a conclusion, it would just be a reiiteration of the initial fact. We need atleast one more fact in addition to the first to corroborate our conclusion, which makes it atleast a "Y" with the facts at the two prongs and the inference at the stem.).

But again I digress..The reason I began this post is because of the deep sense of guilt I just felt prevaricating to my boss in order to stay home and prepare for my upcoming GD-PIs.Yes I know there are malingerers who hve made an art of it, and I dont claim to be anymore morally upright than they are. Why I frequently lie to my parents shamelessly about where I am, which bus route I am taking home, where I am staying the night, or even which friend is staying in a hostel when in fact she is living in with her boyfriend. But all that is harmless, for a good cause (or so I believe; My parents, doubtless, would beg to differ.). No it wasnt the fact that I made my non-existant relatives die in a bloody car accident and orphaned their only nonexistant infant. That brutal murder too I couldve committed without batting an eyelash, but it was the overall feeling of betrayal. I wonder how Judas Iscariot felt just before he kissed the hand of Jesus knowing full well the consequences of that action. Did his heart not stop beating for an instant? Did he not wonder, what if I don't? Yes I will probably get killed instead, for failing to do what I promised, But atleast i wont have broken the fine thread of trust. There is glory in such a death, isnt there? Just knowing that I intend to leave this job to move on to greener pastures..and knowing that bunking is essential because I HAVE to move on..because I cannot spend my whole life doing something I not only do not enjoy, but which makes me miserable and depressed and cranky as a person. If I dont betray my boss I shall betray myself. But to "topi pehnao" him in such a manner, when by my regular working habits I have earned a reputation of trustworthiness, to just vanish into the dust when the ofice is in such a state of crisis and under such pressure from such heartless clients, when every helping hand counts...But no as the bengali saying goes "Charaibati charaibati"...move on, move on....I have to stop brooding and atleast complete the task I set out to do, the reason for this breach of trust in the first place, without which it will be meaningless....So, here's signing off..